Angry Kids: Dealing With Explosive Behavior
Parents who are stressed are more likely to have negative attitudes and negative parenting doesn't work! When I was practicing psychotherapy I've seen numerous "angry parents." Angry parents can turn into angry children. Children tend to mimic those parents' anger and the cycle of anger continues.
To help parents be calmer, I designed an instrument that can be seen visually - the thermometer theory. This can be used to manage stress and anger. When parents are stressed out, they are more likely to become angry, which is why they often are inextricably linked.
Here's how to utilize this theory of thermometers to handle your anger.
Imagine a thermometer that has markings between 0 and. The number 10 is the most extreme intensity that you are angry, then the range between 7 and 10 is considered to be the "danger zone." It's where parents feel overwhelmed and feel like they are unable to stop themselves from agitating. To gauge your anger use the thermometer for anger throughout the day, and ask yourself frequently, "What number am I?"
The aim is to keep your anger below the level of 7. The ideal situation is for most people to be in a level 2 - or 3-. (We all require a bit of excitement to make things exciting!) If you notice that your temperature is increasing you should make a conscious choice to do something to reduce it. There are different strategies for managing anger for different people. You must learn the ones that work for you. It could be deep breathing or lying down, or even enjoying music. Try different things and discover what will keep you calm and away from anger.
The first thing to do when you feel your anger rising to the 7-10 level is to separate yourself from the circumstance that is which is the source of your anger. That is, you should take an opportunity to take a break. This means you should use a timeout for your parents instead of giving your child a break. By taking yourself out of the situation that causes anger - typically an argument or some other type it is possible to lower your temperature and regain some control. In most cases, a few minutes in a space that is not occupied, such as the bathroom, or a few deep, calm breaths can help to lower your temperature during an effort to take a break.
If you have children that follow you whenever you go out, it's okay to join you and place them on your lap to explain why you're angry and must calm down before you speak. While you allow your child to be with you, inform them that you and your child should take a deep breath, and stop talking for a time. This could be a beneficial instruction as children learn to be calm and manage anger.
If your child is older, you should notice yourself becoming angry and tell them, "It looks like we're both getting angry now. I need to take time out to deal with my anger. When we're both calmer, we can talk about this issue and come up with a solution." While you do not force your child to go to be away, you show them the way that mature adults deal with their anger.
I had the privilege of working with the father David who knew his son needed to work through his anger to alleviate his parenting problems. David's anger got in the way of his ability to be a successful husband and father.
My initial suggestion for David was to control his temperature of anger. Here are two more suggestions I suggested to David to deal with the anger effectively.
Use a journal. If I suggest this to parents, they usually refuse simply because they have messy writing or grammar that is not perfect. It doesn't matter! Your journal is for you. Two reasons why journaling is crucial: It offers the opportunity to release your stress and lets you go back through your journal entries every now and then often to assess the progress you've made. "I can't believe I was so angry at Jordan for being late for her carpool," David thought in his journal writings. "It wasn't even necessary. I could have handled it much differently." Journals can offer a much-needed perspective.
Make positive self-talk a habit. It's a simple but effective concept that I have used together with David. The premise is When you are positive you'll feel more positive. If you are thinking negatively, you'll feel more stressed or angry.
Model Appropriate Anger Management Skills
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The most effective way to teach children to handle anger is to show them how you handle your emotions when you're angry.3 If they observe you losing the temper of your children, they'll most likely follow suit. However, if they observe you manage your anger in a more gentle, gentle manner, they'll pick up the lesson.
While it's essential to protect your children from the majority of adult issues, it's beneficial to teach them how to deal with anger. Make note of times you're angry so that your child is aware that adults can be angry at times too.
It's okay to say "I'm mad that the vehicle ahead of us did not stop to let the kids walk across the street. But I'm stopping so that they can safely cross the street." The act of expressing your feelings can teach children to express their feelings.
Take the responsibility for your behavior when you get off your game before your children. Be honest and discuss what you could have done differently. Speak to your partner and say, "I am sorry that you had to watch me screaming today because I was angry. I should have taken a walk to cool myself in the heat instead of yelling."
Establish Anger Rules
The majority of families have informal family guidelines on what is acceptable and not in the case of anger. Certain families aren't afraid of the sound of a door being shut and voices being raised. Other families are more tolerant of such actions. Make written rules for your household which outline your expectations. Be sure to address issues like physical violence, name-calling, and property destruction so that your children are aware that they shouldn't throw objects or break objects or physically or verbally when they're angry.
Teach Healthy Coping Skills
Children need to be taught the right methods to handle their anger. Instead of hearing "Don't hit your brother," describe what they should do when they are annoyed. Speak to them, "Next time, use your words" or "Walk away from him when you feel angry."
It is also possible to ask "What could you do instead of hitting?" To help your child figure out strategies that may be beneficial. It is also possible to create a kit to calm your child which can be utilized when your child is stressed.
Make sure to pack a bag with things that will help them settle to their own level, like crayons and coloring books, lotions that smell good, or relaxing music. Engaging your senses can aid in calming the mind and body.
Utilize time-outs as a way to assist your child in calming down.4 Instruct them that they can take a time-out before getting into trouble. Moving away from the circumstance and taking just a few moments to relax is a great idea for children that are easily angered.